- The Titanic is big, but it doesn’t have hyperdrive.
- Yoda could’ve used the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.
- Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material. Rose is just marriage bait.
- Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
- When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge couldn’t say, “Look at the size of that thing!” and really mean it.
- It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.
- Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.
- Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral does not lose his ship.
- We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy ’cause he strangles people & blows up planets for fun.
- Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?
- Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.
- There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.
- Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed “kings of the world?”
- If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.
- Nothing has the same sting as “I’d rather kiss a Wookie.”
- Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.
- Han Solo would’ve steered clear of that stinkin’ iceberg!
- We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could’ve anticipated, “Luke…I am your father”?
- Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a minor character.
- When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a fool of himself at the Oscars.
- Titanic morals:
- gamble
- cheat on your fiancé
- pose nude for pictures
- premarital sex is OK if you’re infatuated
- let undesirables drown
- Star Wars morals:
- fight evil
- do good
- respect all life even if it’s ugly and slithers
- rescue the princess
- save the planet
Yes, an oldie, but a goodie, back from when James Cameron’s history lesson run amok displaced Star Wars as the highest-grossing movie of all time…